An open letter to Mayor Jim Watson, about all this Uber mess

Hi Jim,

I want to talk to you about Uber. I know it's on your mind, I've seen you mention numerous times that the city will be reviewing taxi bylaws in the immediate future, and I can only assume that recent controversy surrounding Uber's presence in Ottawa is a main cause for the review.

When you're reviewing the bylaws, consider this: one of the main arguments against Uber is that it's unregulated and therefore not necessarily safe. I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, taxi regulation isn't necessary in the first place.

We're all adults here. We make our decisions about so many adult things every single day, and a lot of these involve strangers that have not taken a background check.

• I can order a pizza and have it delivered to my door by a complete stranger who knows where I live and what valuables I possess, but I can't go home in an Uber car.

• I can get drunk at a bar and get a lift home with a complete stranger who's had a couple of drinks but is under the limit and is going my way, but I can't go home in an Uber car.

• I can get my neighbour's cousin Gary to come fix my washing machine for $20, but I can't go home in an Uber car.

• I can meet and fall in love with a man named Steve, only to find out that Steve is living a double life and has a family on the side and his name is actually Gord, but I can't go home in an Uber.

Uber drivers and taxi drivers all have the same motivation: to make a living.  Sure there are the odd story here and there about Uber drivers misbehaving, but you can find just as many stories about licensed taxi drivers misbehaving.

I did an informal poll amongst my female friends about any unpleasantness they've experienced in licensed, regulated Ottawa taxis equipped with cameras:

Sheri: Almost every single cab I've been in over the past 20 yrs has made me uncomfortable by hitting on me. I had a really scary experience with DJ's cabs yrs ago where I was at the Makenzie st bridge by the mission when my cab driver got out and beat the shit out of a homeless kid trying to wash his windows.

Renee: There's one particular driver who always calls me, "Sweets": "Yes Sweets."; "Okay Sweets"; "Are you going to see your boyfriend Sweets?". It totally makes me feel uncomfortable. 

Julie: I had a driver hitting on me once as I was on my way to a party. Made me feel uncomfortable because I couldn't exactly walk away... 

Alex: At the end of the night I took a taxi home by myself. When the taxi arrived, the man driving took many opportunities to dis-empower me by consistently calling me Girl. He kept saying things like: “Hey Girl, it’s okay, trust me Girl, I’ll take care of you Girl”. At one point he called me sweetheart while he was asking some pretty invasive questions. I felt so dis-empowered and vulnerable that I was kinda afraid to tell him to stop calling me Girl and I was afraid of not answering his questions. 

Ashlee: The cabbie turned his whole body around when I got in and gave me the el creepo once over, spending a good amount of time on my tits while I tried to tell him where I was going. Then he told me how nice I smelled. He kept his hand on the back of the passenger seat in front of me the whole time, occasionally coming close to my knee as I tried desperately to keep distance between us.  When we finally stopped he told me the total $$ and slid his hand down the seat further while I looked through my wallet, staring at me the whole time. I put a ten in his hand trying to avoid touching his skin but he folded his fingers upward to make contact with my hand. Then said "Oh....so you're paying me with money?" and gave me the most uncomfortable wink. 

Allison: He got out to walk me to my door uninvited, after asking too many personal questions about boyfriends and who I was with that night and scorned for talking about other men or that I had a date. "Oh, a beautiful girl like you, out there with all those men all the time tsk tsk tsk"

For the most part, these are cases of soft harassment, where the act isn't exactly egregious enough to report. Most people aren't going to call Blue Line and say "You know, my driver was being kind of inappropriate. No, he didn't touch me or threaten me but I felt kinda gross when I got out of the car."

On the other hand, Uber lets riders directly rate their driver (and vice versa) meaning that bad drivers and bad riders get their access to the app revoked if they misbehave. On top of that, Uber is VERY concerned with protecting their reputation. They know that the world is watching them closely and won't risk their reputation by not terminating any potential creeps at the first sign of trouble.

Every Uber user I've spoken to about Uber has nothing by nice things to say about it. They all prefer Uber over taxis. Cleaner, faster, cheaper, safer, more pleasant in general. Not to mention the added benefits of:

-no cash transactions;

-knowing exactly who your driver is because the entire trip is logged (as opposed to the all-too-real scenario where someone is tipsy, hails a cab, the cabbie harasses them and then when the whole thing is done, they don't remember the driver number or even which company it was, and the company has no official record of the ride because the cab was hailed);

-the assurance that the driver is using the fastest possible route to get you there (both driver and rider have access to Google maps to map out the trip);

-no tipping required;

-no refusal of short or inconvenient rides;

-no excessive service charge just to use a credit or debit card instead of cash; and

-no spending the entire trip listening to the driver yell into a Bluetooth headset at one of their friends (I've heard this complaint a lot).

So when the time comes to review the bylaws, it's really important that you ask the people of Ottawa whether they prefer Uber over taxis, and take their concerns very seriously. Give them the choice, as adults, to ride in a regulated taxi if they wish, or an unregulated but in my opinion equally safe Uber car. You don't need to hold our hands on our way home from the bar. We've got this.

Fuck You Store, I Win

I'm a god damned folk hero.  I frequently order a bagel with sliced cheese at Tim Hortons, which costs 80 cents extra for 2 slices of cheese. It's always been like this, I've bought like, a hundred of these over the years.  If I'm extra hungry I'll get double cheese, for 4 slices total. Sometimes I have to explain what "double order of swiss cheese" means, or correct a sandwich that only came with 2 slices. Never has there been an issue until the other day.

A Tim Hortons on Carling INSISTED that I was only supposed to get 1 slice for 80 cents. No matter how much I insisted that not to be the case, all he had to offer was "If you got this before, they were doing it wrong" and "I've seen the video, it's one slice for bagels and two slices for sandwiches". Eventually I got my 2 slices but he was NOT happy about.

So I emailed Tim Hortons when I wasn't busy arguing with lazy feminazis on Facebook. Asked them to clear up what the correct amount of cheese is.

Thank you for contacting Head Office, we appreciate hearing from our guests.  

I would love to clear this up for you! When you purchase extra cheese, you are to receive 2 slices on the following items: bagel (with cheese), classic lunch sandwiches and paninis, and all other requests for extra cheese (such as a croissant with cheese). When purchasing these following items you are only to receive one slice: breakfast sandwich, bagel B.E.L.T and crispy chicken.   

If any restaurants you visit are not following the standards, please let us know and we would be happy to follow up. 

Thanks again for reaching out, I hope you have a wonderful day!
The TDL Group Corp.
Ashleigh ,
Guest Services Representative
Toll Free: 1-888-601-1616
www.timhortons.com

So fuck you Tim Hortons at 1778 Carling, I win. I ratted your cheese-skimping asses out and printed up a copy of the email should you ever try to cross me again. Bring it.

Utilize Ton Blinker, Estie

(this applies to Ottawa drivers mostly, but also to every other region in the world where the assholes from the next region over drive like idiots)

Pop quiz, hotshot: You're driving down the Queensway and some jackass merges in front of you with nary a flick of the turn signal. What province is their license plate from?

You and I both know that the answer is Québec. We feel comfortable saying that without coming off like racist homophobic misogynists because we all know it to be true: Québec drivers (or more specifically for us, Gatineau drivers) almost never use their turns signals.

Digression: I've been observing the phenomenon for years and I've come to an interesting but bewildering conclusion: they only seem to regularly use a turn signal when making an actual 90 degree turn on to another road. The lack of signal seems to only apply when merging on multi-lane roads.

Original point: Québec drivers are notorious for not using a turn signal - we all know it to be true, but in this day and age of people screaming "cultural appropriation" at the merest hint of a feather in a hat, we have to be able to back up our outrageous claims or face the wrath of the fInternet Army Of Righteousness and Tolerance (FART).

I took it upon myself to endanger the lives of those around me by keeping a highly scientifically accurate tally of infractions that I observed while driving on the Queensway over a period of about a month. I kept track of every no-signal lane change I saw, categorizing them by province.

Figure 1: raw data representing number of drivers from Ontario (left) and Québec (right) observed changing lanes without proper use of a turn signal. Data was collected with a Sharpie-brand metallic marker. Vehicle: 1998 Saturn SL1, named Judy Jetson

These results show a roughly equal number of infractions by drivers from either province

Seems fishy, and goes completely against everything we know to be true, right? That because the raw data doesn't take into account the proportion of Québec drivers to Ontario drivers on Ontario streets and highways. Once we factor in those numbers... hoo boy.

I collected some data on one afternoon in four different locations in one part of the city. I chose an area that was a) relatively close to Québec and that I assumed would contain some Québec drivers running errands, and b) where I was at the moment I decided to count.

The average percentage of Québec drivers in Ontario during my sampling period was 6.1% with a standard deviation of 3.3%. Not the cleanest set of stats but I don't care very much.  Once you adjust the raw data to account for the fact that only 6% of drivers are from Québec, the results become a bit more... well, exactly what you'd expect:

It's funnier if you look at the data like this:

Just so this is isn't misinterpreted: for every Ontario driver that changes lanes without using a turn signal, there are approximately 13 Québec drivers who do the same. Conclusion: you were right all along, and they are the worst.

Oh and call Randy if your car dies and you want $100 for the scrap metal, he'll come tow it away in a jiffy. 613-262-9512

Note: I'm allowed to make fun of Québeckers because I'm half French. You, on the other hand, are allowed to make fun of Québeckers because you have some semblance of free speech.

Silver Linings...

It happened. After years of carelessly leaving my music equipment in plain sight in my back seat, someone finally smashed the window and took off with my stuff.  Every other time I've heard about it happening to other musicians, I've had pity for them but part of me (the asshole part) always said "...but it was your own damn fault for leaving your stuff in your car". I don't get to say that anymore...

Here's a fun picture of my car window right now:

Anyway, I'm futilely trying to use social media and wanted posters to try and track down the stuff (see below) but I'm fairly positive I'll never see my sweet Gretsch again.  I'm trying to stay positive, so I'm looking at all the silver linings around this dark cloud:

• I tend to abuse the Bigsby bar when I play, which means I frequently have to re-tune my guitar. My now-main guitar doesn't have a Bigsby so less tuning = more time to tell tasteless jokes between songs
• I like my Thinline Squier Telecaster a lot, and wasn't happy with it being my back-up guitar. Now it's my main guitar so I get to play it more often
• I own a bad-ass looking Dean Flying V that almost never gets played. Now I have a reason to get it fixed up because it's been promoted to back-up guitar
• So many offers from friends to let me borrow their gear if I need it
• New friend requests on Facebook, as my "stolen gear" photo spreads somewhat virally
• Attention. Anyone that knows me knows I crave attention. After the hubbub over the bullshit lawsuit last year, I felt a giant attention-shaped hole in my life. Now everyone's paying attention to me and talking about me as if I matter. Feels great.
• I get to learn how to replace a car window. I've always been mystified as to what manner of sorcery goes on inside a car door to make the window roll up and down. Now after watching several instructional videos I've learned that it's a fairly basic but clever mechanism and I can't wait to try to replace one on my own.
• Today I was able to put off writing my 2014-15 Commitment To Excellence, my work's annual lame self-review document, so I could do various theft-related follow-up activities.
• My car could use a good vacuuming anyway

Here's a list of what was stolen, let me know if it ends up in your local pawn shop

Patton Oswalt just "won the internet"

Update: I didn't get why this thing was happening at the time because I'd missed all the ridiculous outrage about some of Trevor Noah's past tweets.  Turns out this here brilliance by Patton Oswalt is in direct defense of Trevor Noah, which makes it a billion times more awesome.  Read more about said tweets here, and read an amazing rebuttal against PC ninnies by panty-sniffing rape-jokist Jim Norton here.

Every week someone wins at internet. This week it's Patton Oswalt, who at 3am my time posted a ridiculous series of joke explainers that should in no way offend anyone.

Presented to you in reverse order, because it's an easier read:

(1/53) Q: Why did the man* throw* butter* out of the window*? A: He wanted to see* butter fly*!

(2/53) "Man" in my previous Tweet should not be construed as privileged, misogynist or anti-trans.

(3/53) Nor should there be ANY assumption of said man's race or religion. It could be an African American man, Asian, or any one

(4/53) of the vast multi-cultural mosaic which make up the world we live in today. "Man" was simply an archaic placeholder for the

(5/53) "subject" of the joke, and thus should not denote privilege nor exclude any sexuality, religion, nationality or offend any

(6/53) feelings the joke listener may or may not have or have ever experienced in the past. Furthermore, the action of "throwing" is

(7/53) NOT meant in any way to imply an exclusion of the differently abled, or even someone who@may have ever felt excluded from

(8/53) And the choice of "butter" as the object being thrown was in NO WAY an insult to those with a strict lacto-vegan diet or

(9/53) ANYONE who may be lactose intolerant, might KNOW someone who is lactose-intolerant (or knows someone who is ka to-vegan) or

(10/53) may meet someone of those two persuasions anytime in the future. Also, "butter" does not mean the joke-teller is unaware of

(11/53) or insensitive to the abuses in our current factory-farming dairy industry, including neglect of animals or additions of

(12/53) hormones, pesticides or other contaminants. Also, PLEASE accept this pre-emptive apology if the word "butter" was a trigger

(13/53) for any time in the past the joke recipient may have been called a "butter face" or knows someone who was insulted in such a

(14/53) fashion. Aesthetic shaming is real and bullying hurts us all.

(15/53) Also, again, privilege. What else? Oh yes...

(16/53) "Out the window" was NOT meant as any sort of insult to the homeless population, in that the phrase "out the window"

(17/53) could EASILY be construed as placing the butter-thrower in a house which

(18/53) the butter thrower owns.

(19/53) The triggering potential for "out the window" is not to be underestimated.

(20/53) Nor should the act of THROWING AWAY food, which can be read as a violent, corporate-centric status maneuver.

(21/53) Privilege.

(22/53) Privilege.

(23/53) Privilege?

(24/53) PRIVILEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'nnn

(25/53) The pronoun "he" in the 2nd part of the joke should, again, NOT be taken

(26/53) as a patriarchal assumption.

(27/53) Parts 28 through 36 will simply be the word "problematic" for your use in any other interpretation of the pronoun "he"

(28/53) Problematic.

(29/53) Problematic.

(30/53) Problematic.

(31/53) Problematic

(32/53) Problematic.

(33/53) Problematic.

(34/53) Problematic

(35/53) Problematic

(36/53) Problematic

(37/53) "See" is, we all know, VERY POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING to any seeing impaired or blind people hearing the joke

(38/53) And, again, a pre-emotive apology is meekly offered.

(39/53) And the fact that Twitter does NOT offer a Braille version of its website is part of a larger problem

(40/53) which the joke was IN ABSOLUTELY NO WAY making light of.

(41/53) Finally, the fact the man wanted to see butter "fly"

(42/53) implies a flippant attitude towards mental illness or the subjects lack of abstract or

(43/53) or symbolic/empathetic thought which was NOT the aim of the joke

(44/53) or the joke teller. But context, as we know, does not matter. Only individual words and feelings do, so

(45/53) as always, and from now on, no matter what the intent, aim, or satirical content

(46/53) the deepest apology is offered to ANYONE

(47/53) ANYWHERE

(48/53) for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER

(49/53) who found any offense in the previous joke.

(50/53) Jokes should always entertain. EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HEARS THEM.

(51/53) A simple series of clarifying post-joke Tweets like the ones I just sent out will insure EVERYONE a gentle, comforting chuckle.

(52/53) Welcome to comedy in 2015, @Trevornoah!

(53/53) Also, the "come" part of "welcome" shouldn't be construed in a "faggy" way.

All this to welcome Trevor Noah as the new host of The Daily Show.

I don't get it, but I love it. That's wine talkin'

Both Kinds of Music: 10 Years And Going Strong

(The following is paraphrased and details and facts are sketchy at best. Sue me)

I remember back in my early Lefty McRighty days (back when I could still draw a crowd... *le sigh*), some weird guy approached me after the show. Bald as all hell up top, big plastic glasses, and way too much energy for someone over 40. I think I thought this is what a hipster was at the time.


"Hey Lefty, I've seen your band a bunch of times, I think you guys are really great. You're the real deal."

"Hey thanks, I appreciate it" (this was my canned response to all my fans. Now it's "Cool, wanna be friends? Please?")

"I want to do a tribute concert* for my favourite band of all time, Jr. Gone Wild. You heard of 'em?"

"No, can't say I have."

"You'd love 'em. Seminal Canadian alt-country. Anyway I want you guys to play at the show, I think it'll be amazing."

At this point I'm thinking Oh great, this nutjob is going to ask me to play in his garage** for him and his 4 friends. But then he says the magical words:

"Oh and I host a country music radio show on CKCU."

The first words out of my mouth were almost "I will do anything and everything possible to promote my band, I worship you now" - I'd never met anyone from the amazingly cool local college radio station. For some reason I mistakenly believed that this was a world I couldn't access.

Instead I played it cool: "Oh neat, I'd love to take part, sounds fun. What's your name?"

"Dick Altavista."

And so it began.  Since then I've come to know Dick Altavista and his show Both Kinds of Music intimately. I've spent many hours hanging out at the studio promoting this or that.

Me and Dick, promoting my latest turd, Nashville Roadkille

When I first approached Dick about helping promote the first ever O-Town Hoedown, he replied "Sure, love it, let's devote an entire 2-hour show to it." I was blown away.  Since then it's become an annual tradition to take over  Both Kinds to promote the Hoedown, and whenever I've needed airtime to promote one of my band's shows, Dick has given me open invite to drop by anytime to say what I have to say. 

I don't know if I've ever seen a man more excited about the very prospect of music just existing. I feel like Dick Altavista will be listening to a record and he gets really excited by the fact that someone thought to write all this stuff down and set it to tape for the world to hear.

And I guarantee you've never seen a more fervent supporter of the local music scene than Dick Altavista.  If you pick any random episode of Both Kinds of Music and read over the playlist, you'll find that at least half the songs on every show are from local artists. That's not even in the show description, it's not "the point" of the show. It's just Dick Altavista loving locals bands. Not to mention having a zillion guests on the show (local or otherwise). I thought I was special but take a look at the list of artists he's had come hang out on the show over the years:

Alice Kos, Bob Whitmore, Box Full Of Groundhogs, Brock Zeman, The Brothers Chaffey, Bryce Jardine, Catriona Sturton, Chris Cook, Chris Landry, Chris Page, Colin Wylie, Conor Mercury, Dan Deslauriers, Dang Guilty, Dave Norris & Local Ivan, David Hustler, The Dead Bees, Elvyn, Enjoy, Your Pumas, Eric Gilmore & The Mad Hatters, Ev Laroi, Fist City, The Flats,  Gareth Auden-Hole, Greg Kelly, Huntley Slim & The Suburban Cowboys, The Jack Grace Band, James Leclaire, Jehan Khoorshed, Jon Laurie-Beaumont, Julie Element, The Jupiter Ray Project, Kara Askwith, Kenny Voita, Kris Millett, Ken Workman, Lefty McRighty, Luther Wright, Mark Kiely, Mark Ripp, Marvin Etzioni, Matt Gower, Meredith Luce, M. Mucci, Morgan Friend, Mystery Pill, Nathan Hunter, Nicolai Dangeroso, Ninety Lbs. of Ugly, No Fly List, No Kinds Of Love, Pamela Brennan, Patrick Shanks, Ray Harris, Riley Taylor, Rob Snasdell-Taylor, The Rough Sea, Samantha Mouchet, The Shakey Aches, Shawn Tavenier, Slo Tom, Steph Clementine, Steve Stacey, Still Winter Hills, Tindervox, The Train Jumpers, Trevor Alguire, Uncle Sean, Winchester Warm, The Woodrunners.

I mean, geez.
 
With Dick making CKCU an open arms environment for me to come hang out at, I felt comfortable approaching the other DJs about helping promote my shows, and I got to know Matthew Crosier, the station manager. Over the years CKCU started to feel like home, and it was only natural that I start hosting a radio show there myself. I was welcomed with open arms and love every minute that I'm there hosting Friday Nite Truck Stop with my dad-in-law Ray Harris. Ultimately, without Dick's initial introduction, I don't know if I ever would have ended up as part of the CKCU family, so thanks for everything Dick, and congrats on 10 years on the air. Here's to 50 more.

Both Kinds of Music airs Wednesdays from 1:30-3:30 on CKCU 93.1 FM. Do yourself a favour and tune in.

*For some reason, the Jr. Gone Wild tribute show never happened. Hmmm...

**My favourite band that I was ever in, Ninety Pounds of Ugly, played their first show in Dick's garage for his annual neighbourhood block party Liquor Pig Fest. It was amazing.

Proof That The French Give Up Too Easily

Coming up with names of numbers, the French have historically said "Fuck it, I give up" way too early. However I do appreciate their ability to over-complicate things, something I'm frequently guilty of. Enjoy the following dramatic reenactments, and pardon my inability to properly conjugate French verbs or properly use French words.

Situation one:

On a besoin de noms pour tous les nombres entre dix et vingt.  Dix, onze, douze, treize, quatorze, quinze, seize, ....ummm.... septze? Non. uh... on a besoin d'un nom pour le nombre avec sept après le dix. Septdix? Non. Dix-sept? Parfait! Continuons! Dix-huit! Dix-neuf! C'est tellement façile!

Situation two:

Pour tous les nombres entre vingt et trente, entre trente et quarante, et cetera, nous allons dire "et" pour indiquer qu'on a ajouté un nombre a l'autre. Par exemple, vingt-et-un. Vingt-et-deu- mon dieu, c'est compliqué. D'accord, on utilisera le "et" avec le un seulement. Le reste, on ne l'a pas besoin.  Vingt-deux, vingt-trois, vingt-quatre... c'est simple. Non, on ne peu pas dire vingt-un. C'est stupide. Espèce de con.

Situation three: 

On a besoin de noms pour tous les groupes de nombres qui représentes chaque séries de dix, entre dix et cent. Vingt, trente, quarante, cinquante, soixante, et puis.... uh... mmmmmm... un nom pour le nombre qui représente sept groupes de dix. Dix-sept! Oui c'est ça! Oh. Un moment... zut, on l'a déja utilisé, çe nom là. Ok, un nombre pour sept groupes de dix.

     *takes giant swig of wine*

Ce qui est la même chose que quarante plus trente, ou bien

     *more wine*

cinquante plus vingt ou

     *opens another bottle, drinks half*

MON DIEU. SOIXANTE PLUS DIX. SOIXANTE-DIX. PARFAIT! (hic!) Le prochain... soixante-vingt? (hic!) Cinquante-trente? (hic!)Quarante-fois-deux? (hic!) Un bonne idée, nous multi-... mulit-... tulplim... multiplions! Quarante-deux! Non, c'est la même chose que le nombre quarante plus deux

      *on to the third bottle* 

vingt-fois-quatre? Vingt-quatre? Merde. Non...

     *drinks entire bottle of wine through a funnel*

QUATRE-VINGT. ET LE PROCHAIN S'APPELERA QUATRE-VINGT-DIX

     *signs off on official rules of the French language, asphyxiates on own vomit*