Monday, April 27, 2015

Silver Linings...

It happened. After years of carelessly leaving my music equipment in plain sight in my back seat, someone finally smashed the window and took off with my stuff.  Every other time I've heard about it happening to other musicians, I've had pity for them but part of me (the asshole part) always said "...but it was your own damn fault for leaving your stuff in your car". I don't get to say that anymore...

Here's a fun picture of my car window right now:

Anyway, I'm futilely trying to use social media and wanted posters to try and track down the stuff (see below) but I'm fairly positive I'll never see my sweet Gretsch again.  I'm trying to stay positive, so I'm looking at all the silver linings around this dark cloud:

  • I tend to abuse the Bigsby bar when I play, which means I frequently have to re-tune my guitar. My now-main guitar doesn't have a Bigsby so less tuning = more time to tell tasteless jokes between songs
  • I like my Thinline Squier Telecaster a lot, and wasn't happy with it being my back-up guitar. Now it's my main guitar so I get to play it more often
  • I own a bad-ass looking Dean Flying V that almost never gets played. Now I have a reason to get it fixed up because it's been promoted to back-up guitar
  • So many offers from friends to let me borrow their gear if I need it
  • New friend requests on Facebook, as my "stolen gear" photo spreads somewhat virally
  • Attention. Anyone that knows me knows I crave attention. After the hubbub over the bullshit lawsuit last year, I felt a giant attention-shaped hole in my life. Now everyone's paying attention to me and talking about me as if I matter. Feels great.
  • I get to learn how to replace a car window. I've always been mystified as to what manner of sorcery goes on inside a car door to make the window roll up and down. Now after watching several instructional videos I've learned that it's a fairly basic but clever mechanism and I can't wait to try to replace one on my own.
  • Today I was able to put off writing my 2014-15 Commitment To Excellence, my work's annual lame self-review document, so I could do various theft-related follow-up activities.
  • My car could use a good vacuuming anyway
Here's a list of what was stolen, let me know if it ends up in your local pawn shop

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Patton Oswalt just "won the internet"

Update: I didn't get why this thing was happening at the time because I'd missed all the ridiculous outrage about some of Trevor Noah's past tweets.  Turns out this here brilliance by Patton Oswalt is in direct defense of Trevor Noah, which makes it a billion times more awesome.  Read more about said tweets here, and read an amazing rebuttal against PC ninnies by panty-sniffing rape-jokist Jim Norton here.

Every week someone wins at internet. This week it's Patton Oswalt, who at 3am my time posted a ridiculous series of joke explainers that should in no way offend anyone.

Presented to you in reverse order, because it's an easier read:

(1/53) Q: Why did the man* throw* butter* out of the window*? A: He wanted to see* butter fly*!

(2/53) "Man" in my previous Tweet should not be construed as privileged, misogynist or anti-trans.

(3/53) Nor should there be ANY assumption of said man's race or religion. It could be an African American man, Asian, or any one

(4/53) of the vast multi-cultural mosaic which make up the world we live in today. "Man" was simply an archaic placeholder for the

(5/53) "subject" of the joke, and thus should not denote privilege nor exclude any sexuality, religion, nationality or offend any

(6/53) feelings the joke listener may or may not have or have ever experienced in the past. Furthermore, the action of "throwing" is

(7/53) NOT meant in any way to imply an exclusion of the differently abled, or even someone who@may have ever felt excluded from

(8/53) And the choice of "butter" as the object being thrown was in NO WAY an insult to those with a strict lacto-vegan diet or

(9/53) ANYONE who may be lactose intolerant, might KNOW someone who is lactose-intolerant (or knows someone who is ka to-vegan) or

(10/53) may meet someone of those two persuasions anytime in the future. Also, "butter" does not mean the joke-teller is unaware of

(11/53) or insensitive to the abuses in our current factory-farming dairy industry, including neglect of animals or additions of

(12/53) hormones, pesticides or other contaminants. Also, PLEASE accept this pre-emptive apology if the word "butter" was a trigger

(13/53) for any time in the past the joke recipient may have been called a "butter face" or knows someone who was insulted in such a

(14/53) fashion. Aesthetic shaming is real and bullying hurts us all.

(15/53) Also, again, privilege. What else? Oh yes...

(16/53) "Out the window" was NOT meant as any sort of insult to the homeless population, in that the phrase "out the window"

(17/53) could EASILY be construed as placing the butter-thrower in a house which

(18/53) the butter thrower owns.

(19/53) The triggering potential for "out the window" is not to be underestimated.

(20/53) Nor should the act of THROWING AWAY food, which can be read as a violent, corporate-centric status maneuver.

(21/53) Privilege.

(22/53) Privilege.

(23/53) Privilege?

(24/53) PRIVILEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'nnn

(25/53) The pronoun "he" in the 2nd part of the joke should, again, NOT be taken

(26/53) as a patriarchal assumption.

(27/53) Parts 28 through 36 will simply be the word "problematic" for your use in any other interpretation of the pronoun "he"

(28/53) Problematic.

(29/53) Problematic.

(30/53) Problematic.

(31/53) Problematic

(32/53) Problematic.

(33/53) Problematic.

(34/53) Problematic

(35/53) Problematic

(36/53) Problematic

(37/53) "See" is, we all know, VERY POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING to any seeing impaired or blind people hearing the joke

(38/53) And, again, a pre-emotive apology is meekly offered.

(39/53) And the fact that Twitter does NOT offer a Braille version of its website is part of a larger problem

(40/53) which the joke was IN ABSOLUTELY NO WAY making light of.

(41/53) Finally, the fact the man wanted to see butter "fly"

(42/53) implies a flippant attitude towards mental illness or the subjects lack of abstract or

(43/53) or symbolic/empathetic thought which was NOT the aim of the joke

(44/53) or the joke teller. But context, as we know, does not matter. Only individual words and feelings do, so

(45/53) as always, and from now on, no matter what the intent, aim, or satirical content

(46/53) the deepest apology is offered to ANYONE

(47/53) ANYWHERE


(49/53) who found any offense in the previous joke.

(50/53) Jokes should always entertain. EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HEARS THEM.

(51/53) A simple series of clarifying post-joke Tweets like the ones I just sent out will insure EVERYONE a gentle, comforting chuckle.

(52/53) Welcome to comedy in 2015, @Trevornoah!

(53/53) Also, the "come" part of "welcome" shouldn't be construed in a "faggy" way.

All this to welcome Trevor Noah as the new host of The Daily Show.

I don't get it, but I love it. That's wine talkin'