Tuesday, September 30, 2014

It's OK That I'm Washing Dishes, You Guys. Don't Worry About Me

As most of you know, a combination of my unfortunate legal nightmares and my wife's disability (MRI is next week, fingers crossed that it's something that can be explained and fixed) has left us in a state of financial need over the last year.   I've recently taken a part time job as a dishwasher to make some extra cash. Some folks have a problem with this, but in a good way.
Me in 20 years? Sure why not

There was a great fundraiser back in April, in which all of our friends and family really came through and showed their support. That really helped put a dent in our legal fees, but we still owe various moneys for the undented part. 

I won't go into details but suffice it to say that while we're still in debt, it's mostly consolidated and can be taken care of without either of us suffering too much of a lifestyle change. Both of us tend to hermit and don't eat out much, so it's not too hard to get by with good budgeting. The wife is working part time for the first time since November, and that's really helping us stay in the black each week.

However I wanted a bit of fun money and when a dishwashing job came up at Hintonburg Public House, I jumped at the chance to make a few extra hundred a month. This is my way to put money into a separate bank account for us to be able to treat ourselves and still be responsible about repaying our debts.

For instance, I still need to finish my tattoo. I cancelled my appointments when I got sued. Now I feel like I can go back and finish without being irresponsible about my money. Also, I desperately want to go to Vegas in the spring for their annual rockabilly festival. This gets paid for by the dishwashing gig.

Why am I telling you this?

A few folks are pissed off on my behalf. The general consensus is "I can't believe that guy did this to you and now you have to wash dishes, it's bullshit".

First, I LOVE that everyone's got my back. I just about lost my mind with all the support back when we did the fundraiser. As cocky as I am, I sometimes truly doubt that people actually like me. The fundraiser showed I was wrong.  So when folks are getting all riled up about it, it feels good to know that I've still got someone in my corner.

But second, I just want to assure everyone that I'm in no way shape or form embarrassed that I'm washing dishes in a restaurant. I love the job so far. It keeps me busy at a time when I find myself terribly restless every day when I get home from work. Nature abhors a vacuum and lately I'm nature and the vacuum is sitting around the house watching TV (I just realized: I could be using all this time to vacuum my house). The dishwashing job is a great way for me to blow off steam and make a few bucks for doing it. It's also really good exercise, it's a lot more physically demanding than I thought. I recently lost 20lbs and would like to keep it off while still drinking beer and eating cheeseburgers and pizza, this will help a lot.

Also, I miss working in a restaurant. Since high school, kitchen jobs (cooking, mostly) were my main source of income until I graduated university and got the job I have now. But often part of me thinks "If I get laid off it's all good because I can go work in a kitchen and I miss that shit". Kitchens are great places to work. The high energy, the pressure, the camaraderie, the joking around, the crassness... it's great. I don't get any of that at my day job.

So all this to say, thank you for wanting to stick up for me and for getting pissed off, but rest assured that I like this job, and do it with a smile on my face every shift. Also on my face: little bits of food from people's dirty dishes. Because don't get me wrong, it's a filthy job.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

I Have Written a Song That Might Be About Fucking a Sandwich.

I can't tell if this is stupid or amazing or both. I'm going with stupemazing.

I wrote an instrumental ditty called Double Down Boogie, about the sandwich.

Then I decided it needed words, about the sandwich.

Then I decided it needed lots of obvious sexual innuendo. Possible still about the sandwich.

"Stick it in me, big boy"
So I picked up a pen and this came out almost instantly (the parts in all caps are gang vocals):

Come on baby now come on girl

Order up and double down

Stuck between two hot hot breasts
Baby it sure feels right

Come on let's get dirty girl
It's the double down boogie tonight

Again, I have written a song that might be about fucking a sandwich. I'm a little concerned about how easily that came to me. Anyway, I'm off to KFC. And Mac's.


For condoms. I'm going to fuck the sandwich.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Night Cyclists: Some Day You Will Die By My Hand

It's legal to swerve directly into a night cyclist with no lights or reflectors and straight murder them, right?
Do you see the cyclist? Trick question, he's in the ditch, bleeding to death.

A 10 minute drive down Bank St. at 10pm had some pretty interesting results: I drove past 10 people on bicycles and 8 of them had no lights whatsoever on their bikes. Not even reflectors.  In the dark. On the road, alongside the number one killer of cyclists (number two: wombats). One guy, bless his heart, had, I swear to god, a flashlight in his mouth. 

Now I'm the LAST thing from a bike safety ninny. I don't wear a helmet, I think segregated bike lanes are a waste of money and are counterproductive because they only instill in cyclists a fear of roads that DON'T have a segregated bike lane, and nine times out of ten I give the cyclist half the blame when they get hit by a car, because they probably could have seen it coming (exception: getting hit from behind, and even then you can sort of predict it with frequent shoulder checks or a mirror).

I'm also a frequent and active cyclist - I bike almost every day when there's no snow on the ground, and I love biking amongst the cars on busy roads. I also safely run red lights and stop signs. You probably all hate me right now but I'm telling you all this to qualify the fact that in terms of bike safety, there are a lot of areas where I don't necessarily play ball.

But the one thing I do follow is to have some fuckin' lights on when it's dark out, or at the very least some reflectors. Lights will up the chance that you're spotted from far away, which gives a driver plenty of time to react and prepare to pass you. It's a simple concept, so simple that I feel really weird having to explain it but here we are.

Listen, dummy: you're not nearly as visible as you think, even with streetlights all around. Trust me on this, from a driver's point of view you fade very quickly into the darkness between streetlights. Darkness usually happens at night, along with other night time activities such as drunk driving or falling asleep at the wheel. All it takes is for a driver to look away for a second and then WHOA you pop out of the dark directly in front of them and SPLAT you're roadkill.

So for the love of god get some fucking lights. I bought mine at Dollarama for christ's sake. I have a fucking flashlight taped to my handle bars. You idiots. Holy shit.

I'm actually getting mad as I write this. The drive happened several nights ago but I never got around to finishing the post until today.

I need a nap.