Tuesday, October 7, 2014

My Million Dollar Plan To Sell Out In The Most Glorious Fashion

By this time next year, I'll be bathing in whatever the champagne is that they keep going on about in rap songs. I assume I'll be surrounded by bikinis and top-shelf chocolate and other signs of immense wealth.

I've had a few neat ideas in my life. Inventions and cool apps, but nothing I could ever get off the ground without way too much pressure and effort. But this one I came up with the other day, it can't possibly lose AND I already know how to do all the things involved in making it happen, which are: play guitar, and look stupid doing it.

The plan is to combine the two worst things to ever happen to music into an unholy union of shit:


It's so simple even Nickelback has already thought of it:

I know what you're thinking: hey, a country cover of Nickelback might not be too bad. NO YOU'RE WRONG. It will be the worst. The reason is, I'm not going to do the good version of country (ie the stuff my friends and I devote our lives to). No, I'm going new country. The newer the better.

My plan is simple: take Nickelback's greatest hits, play them EXACTLY as is, except add fiddle and acoustic guitars and way more plaid shirts.

It's not that far of a stretch. Us (true) country singers have bemoaned for years that new country is just pop music with a fiddle. The Divorcees said it best, in You Ain't Gettin' My Country Without a Fight:

The way new country songs are constructed these days, the overall feel, they're practically indistinguishable from jock rock or candy pop except for a smattering of fiddle or banjo and the odd reference to a truck.

For my plan the work is already half done; the songs are ready made, I don't have to do anything creative. Just hire a fiddle player, put a band together, and I'm Chad Kroeger except I always play acoustic guitar.

New country fans are stupid. They think that as soon as an acoustic guitar shows up, it's a country song. They looked at this piece of shit and said "Oh neat, Nickelback went country":

So my plan is to capitalize on the stupidity of new country fans and that of Nickelback fans, and rake in the millions. Sure there are overhead costs, namely getting the recording rights to Nickelback songs, but that's a lot easier than you'd think. I don't need their permission, I just need to pay a fee to their publisher and I get the rights. Simple as that.

So this is my plan, and don't you dare steal it because I'LL KNOW that you're ripping me off and I'll come to your shows and boo you.

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